The Houston Astros announced today that Mr. Cuthbert Snodgrass has been named Manager and will immediately take over the team with the worst record in Major League Baseball.
In a press release issued this morning, the owner acknowledged that Snodgrass has no prior baseball experience as a coach or a player. Said team owner Jack Cass, "At the end of every game, when I see that the other team has scored more runs than we have, it is clear that we need a strategy to change our focus from hitting, pitching and fielding to mastering the scoreboard. Cuthbert is clearly the best man for the job."
Snodgrass stated, "Not only do I have a masters degree in engineering with a major in Computer and Information Science from Penn, I went on to get my PhD in Mathematics and Computational Science. As a result, I am very confident in my knowledge of how baseball scores are calculated, and I am quite comfortable with the inner workings of the JumboTron scoreboard that displays them, as well." He added that his first move as coach had been to fire assistant coach Lefty Jones and replace him with Edith Foureyes, a Yale attorney who has memorized the Official Rules of Major League Baseball and will be responsible for strategic planning and representing the team in disputes with umpires.
When a reporter pointed out that Penn is currently in last place in the Ivy League, Snodgrass expressed surprise - not that they were in last place but that the Ivy league had baseball teams. He dismissed concerns by pointing to the fact that he and his sister had placed 3rd in the junior level mixed doubles squash tournament two years in a row at the country club. "As a result of that experience, I know all anyone needs to about the sweat and stress of competitive sports. Just the same, I plan to tour the players' locker room at least once a month to keep in touch with the whole athletic thing," he added.
Cass further shocked the baseball world when he announced that he had approved Snodgrass' plan to replace the entire Astros roster with the Chinese national team. "Cuthbert told us that he had watched the Olympics and the baseball players all looked pretty much the same to him – the only difference between them that he could see was that some scored more runs than others. With his unquestioned expertise in scoring, his strategic plan that we replace our high priced American players with Chinese players who will play for almost nothing was a stroke of genius – same baseball – just cheaper and better scores. Not only will he turn things around on the scoreboard, but we will be restored to profitability almost over night."
Upon hearing the news, Washington Nationals owner J. Rutherford McKinsey called it a stroke of genius. "As a Columbia man, I should have thought of it myself," he said. "That Jack Cass is globalizing baseball and bringing it into the information age at the same time. It is high time we ran baseball more like a Fortune 500 business, and Jack is paving the way."
In a follow up story one year later, the Commissioner of Baseball announced that he has initiated a formal investigation into allegations that Mr. Jack Cass, owner of the Astros, has reaped enormous profits from betting all of the money saved from replacing the American players with Chinese, on the Astros' opponents. Said the Commissioner, "Betting – especially betting on your own team to lose – is a violation of Major League Rule 21(d)". Assistant coach Foureyes, speaking on behalf of the team owner, denied any wrongdoing, asserting that, "Mr. Cass' relationship with one ''Bennie the Horse' of Las Vegas, Nevada is nothing more than a perfectly legal derivative contract, as executed lawfully on Wall Street every day. Holding Mr. Cass to a higher standard than the country's leading financial executives would be blatant discrimination and a violation of his civil rights."