As a diligent investigator, I managed to sneak an advanced copy of Obama's jobs speech for Thursday night. I will leak it to you here:
"My fellow Americans,
I can offer no explanation and no excuse for cutting the Bureau of Fish and Wildlife and the Justuce Department loose on Gibson Guitars. I know that it had nothing to do with The Lacey Act and protecting rare wood, and that the wood was fine. We shut down Gibson for doing work with American labor instead of Indian labor. There is no good reason why I cut the power of the federal government loose to shut down an American factory to enforce Indian labor laws aimed at preserving Indian manufacturing jobs, even though India never complained.
And I can offer no explanation for the folks I put on the NLRB attacking Boeing for creating jobs in South Carolina, while they sat on their hands when thousands of jobs went from union manufacturers to foreign countries in pursuit of cheap labor. I promise to call them into my office and make it clear that they are in charge of 'labor relations'. The problem is that they have been paid union shills all their lives, which is why I gave them these high paying jobs, and they somehow think that means they are supposed to continue to be union shills, only with a lot more power.
And there is simply no way I can justify the avalanche of other attacks on American manufacturing by the NLRB, from attempting to fast track organizing to prevent companies from mounting a defense, or to eliminate the secret ballot in order to make it easier for union thugs to intimidate and retaliate against workers who vote against the unions, or to demands that workers right to organize be posted on every horizontal surface in every factory.
I am truly sorry for taking Jimmy Hoffa Jr's economic advice seriously. And for saying I am proud of him. And for spending Labor Day with Bob King from the UAW who is threatening to strike the only American auto maker that did not need a bailout. I realize that 88% of American manufacturing workers are non-union and I now know I shoould have spent Labor Day with some of them instead of using it as a glorified union rally/2012 campaign event.
Of course, there is simply no explaining away my putting a labor lawyer in the position of manufacturing czar, or putting a banker in charge of the auto industry recovery program simply because he is a Democrat mayor from a region I need political help in next year.
I sincerely apologize for sucking up to and fawning all over Jeff Immelt while he was trashing American manufacturing and hiring foreign workers like there's no tomorrow, or Steve Jobs who puts ten foreign manufacturing people to work for every American he hires. I can only plead ignorance in thinking that driving the Dow Jones average higher was more important than looking after the majority of American workers who work for privately held, non-union companies. I hope you will understand that Immelt, Jobs and the unions give me so darn much money it is easy to forget that mainstream Americans have nothing in common with these characters.
And then there is the EPA – mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa – what else can I possibly say. Somehow they got the idea that American companies are the enemy and that shutting them down was the objective. Cap and trade, the next generation of the clean air act, using global warming as an excuse for all manner of nonsense …. I must have said something about corporate greed or oil or – well I suppose I said a whole lot of things that gave them the idea that just about all manufacturing is evil.
Spending money like crazy and driving the debt to the level that taxes cannot possibly come down – and will probably have to be raised – turned out to be a real bad idea … along with that whole health care thing that really hammered American employers ….. Sorry about that one.
Pretty much everything done by me and everyone I appointed since I took office has turned out to be an all-out assault on employers, in general, and manufacturers in particular. I have shown no backbone with China on the currency thing and I am really embarrassed about the whole everify system. I know that a bank can run your background down to the ground in 90 seconds, but the government can't figure out if an employee is an illegal immigrant in 90 days. It makes me look really silly for pushing more government control when we can't even sort out social security numbers in three months to make sure no illegals are taking your jobs.
All things considered it is pretty much a miracle that anyone still has a job. That said, my jobs plan is to raise taxes so we can hire more government people, and raise government spending because there is an election next year and how can I possibly create more jobs if I don't have a job myself? The first order of business is to raise enough cash to throw around to buy your votes to get me re-elected. Then during the second Obama administration I promise a whole new level of hope and change."